Of Ainus and Tongaris
by ninzor
Summary: A brief series of HoroxRen drabbles. Formerly tales of a Tongari.
1. The Pond

Disclaimer: Don't own Shaman King, never will, blah blah blah...

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Welcome to my second series of drabbles! Hope you enjoy!

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**The Pond**

A 4-year-old Tao Ren sat cheerfully in the garden, with his feet in the koi pond. He watched the colorful fish swim around in circles. Laughing and clapping, he tugged on the hem his older sister's dress, blubbering "FISHIES!" over and over and over again.

Then, a flower caught his eye.

A very pretty flower. It was a 蓮花 _(lian hua)_, a lotus flower, the namesake of the Chinese child.

He abandoned his stuffed tiger at the pond's edge as he decided to pick the water-dwelling flower for his mother, hoping for some acknowledgement and praise.

With a sudden careless movement, Ren slipped on a patch of wet moss, and before anyone could blink an eye, went splashing into the depths of the pond. He screeched and flailed, kicking his legs around wildly. Unfortunately, the toddler could not swim yet, and he slowly felt himself sinking deeper and deeper into the murky water.

He opened his eyes, watching the fish swim frantically in circles as he tried desperately to reach the surface, swallowing large amounts of water in the process. His vision went blurry, and he was beginning to get terribly dizzy.

The next thing he saw was, perhaps, a hallucination. Was it an angel? Yes, it must have been, a cheerful blue-haired angel with an idiotic grin had come to save him. Before everything went dark, the child could have sworn he heard the angel promise him that he would return to protect him when he was much older. And he finally was on dry land.

Ren coughed and spluttered, spitting water all over the ground. He looked up at his sister, Jun, who was still shocked from her little brother's near-death experience.

"I saw an angel," he informed her.

Jun frowned. "Angels don't exist, dear."

But Ren knew better. So he wasn't surprised to see his angel again nearly 10 years later.


	2. Dear Diary

_Dear Diary,_

_My name is Tao Ren (_道 蓮)_. I hate everyone because they are all below me. I am probably the greatest shaman ever lived, and there's no doubt I'll be the Shaman King. I am also really smart and super-cool. My hair defies gravity in all means possible. Everyone sucks except for me, because I said so._

_OK, maybe I was lying. I guess the Ainu baka Horohoro is alright...I like his hair, and he's my friend. I wish we were more than friends, though - wait, no, I didn't mean to say that!!! Dammit, where's my eraser? Crap. It's not here. Oh well. Just pretend that last part wasn't there. What I meant to say is that I hate Horohoro. A lot. He's annoying, shallow, stupid, perverted, ugly, obnoxious, dim-witted, hideous, fat, a terrible shaman, and extremely blubbery. He's the stupidest person ever to walk our good panet. In short, he's a total Ainu-baka-dobe-kisama._

_I feel awful about writing all that about him...I mean, none of it's true...WAIT!!! NO!!! I LIED!!! IT WAS ALL TRUE!!!! Dang, when will my stupid eraser turn up? Well, that thing about me feeling bad and that none of the insults were true was a MESS UP!!! A BLOODY MESS-UP!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!??? A MESS-UP!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!????_

_OK. That's enough writing for a day. I must be off to enjoy my Horohoro-I MEAN MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ _I HONESTLY MEANT MILK AND WAS NOT THINKING PERVERTED THOUGHTS ABOUT THE AINU BAKA!!!! I PINKY-SWEAR!!!!!_

_Love,_

_Tao Ren._

道 蓮


	3. Tricked

Horohoro licked his dry lips nervously and carefully approached Tao Ren, who was busying himself with a glass of fresh milk.

"Erm, Ren?"

"Hmm?"

Horohoro gulped. "I met two new friends today named Will and Mary."

"Is that so?" Ren didn't seem the least bit interested in the current status of Horohoro's social life.

Horohoro nodded. "And, I was wondering if you'd like to come to dinner with us today."

Ren blinked in surprise, and lowered his milk. "Sure."

Horohoro sighed in relief. It was time for Part 2 of his plan. "So...what order do you think we should sit, Ren?"

Ren shrugged. "Me, you, Mary, Will?"

Horohoro shook his head, gulping again. "Actually, I kind of wanted to sit next to Will, 'cause he's cool."

Ren sighed. "Fine. Then how's me, Mary, you, Will?"

Horohoro shook his head again. "Will wanted to sit in the front."

Ren looked severely annoyed. "Forget it, Ainu-baka. I don't want to waste time with this. I'm not going."

Horohoro gasped in horror. If Ren refused, then his brilliant plan would be shattered into a million tiny, pathetic pieces.

"Please, Ren!" Horohoro whined. "They really, really, really, want to meet you!"

Ren glared. "Really, now?"

"Really."

"Fine."

"Yay! Now...erm...if you could re-think the seating arrangment?"

Ren seemed to be in deep thought for a moment. "How about Will, you, me, Mary?"

Horohoro seemed dejected. "But I want to sit next to Mary, too!"

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL BASONS HOLY!"

Horohoro gave Ren a puppy-dog look. "_Puh-lease_, Rennie?" he begged.

Ren flinched at the "Rennie," but sighed and said, "You better be happy with the next arrangement."

Horohoro nodded eagerly. "Sure!"

"Will, you, Mary, me?"

Horohoro squealed in delight. "_Of course I will!_"

"Huh?' Ren asked.

"You just asked me to marry you," the smug Ainu pointed out.

"WHAT!?" Ren spluttered, eyes widening in horror. "You tricked me!"

Horohoro was grinning from ear to ear. "When will the wedding date be? Where will we honeymoon? Shall we go pick out matching rings?"

Ren's voice got all scary and growly.

**"You are so dead, Ainu-baka."**


	4. Sweet Dreams

Horohoro could feel himself dozing off one lazy Sunday evening. And as you could probably predict, the combined elemnts of the tranquil silence, mild heat, and his sheer boredom caused the Ainu's head to droop, hitting the table with a loud THUNK.

Usui Horohoro is a dreamer. One who dreams impossible, but very nice and happy, dreams.

This particular day was no exception.

In his fantasy world of sleep, Ren in a frilly pink apron entered the room, carrying a tray of chocolate-chip cookies. The imaginary Ren smiled sweetly at Horohoro and announced, "Hello, Horo-sama! I made some cookies..._just for you_."

Horohoro's mouth started watering, making a puddle on the table he was drowsing on. As in his dream, he took a bite, his mouth opened slightly and began mumbling barely coherently in the real world.

"Thank you, Ren-chan..."

Presently, the real Ren strolled into the kitchen, stifling laughter as he watched Horohoro talk in his sleep. His eyes narrowed dangerously, however, when he heard the things Horohoro began mumbling next.

"Ooooh...Ren-chan...it's so good..."

Ren scowled fiercely. He was suspicious what the Ainu could possibly be dreaming about that had to do with him.

"Mmm...Ren-chan...so nice and large...so moist and soft...mmmm...how'd you get it like that...?"

More drool dripped onto the table.

"Yes...yes...so good...mmmmm...yes..."

(AN: Sorry...I can't quite seem...to stop writing...)

"Oooh...mmmm...it's wonderful, Ren-chan..."

This was giving Ren the wrong impression. He scowled and reached for the nearest item to jam into the Ainu's mouth to make him shut up.

"Mmm...yes...more, Ren-chan...let me have more...more, more, more...mmmm...yes..."

Ren grabbed an item from the counter without stopping to see what it was and shoved it roughly into Horohoro's blabbering mouth. He gave him a sharp slap before marching away, furious at his "perverted" friend.

"MRMPHG-!?" Horohoro woke up, startled.

And to his surprise, there was a cookie in his mouth


	5. A Very Important Question

Horohoro stared at Ren's tongari curiously. It was almost completely perpendicular to his head, forming an about 89.5 degree angle. It was the very perfection of all hair holy gathered onto the head of a rather attractive Chinese shaman. It was the pinnacle of all glory, the very element that gave Ren his dignified air. Staring at the hairstyle in silent awe, Horohoro began to wonder.

Ren glared. "Stop staring at me, Ainu-baka." But then he grinned, much to Horohoro's relief. "Yes, I know you can't resist me, but you know, ogling at me makes me feel really uncomfortable."

Horohoro blinked. "Huh? Oh. Sorry." He then glanced back at the awe-inspiring tongari one more time before saying, "Can I ask you a question, Ren?"

"No."

"Please? It's a very important question."

"Is it _very, very, very_ important?"

"Yes."

"Will your question decide the fate of life or death for all of mankind?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Then ask away."

Horohoro beamed. Then, with his usual idiotic grin, he asked cheerfully, "Do you use hair gel?"

Ren just about exploded with fury.


	6. Horo vs Ren

Horohoro laughed. A lot. And especially since Ren was having a hard time attempting to sort out an issue with his electricity bill.

"NO!" Ren screamed into the phone. "I do NOT want free cable! What I want is for you to stop overcharging me! What? Liar! I am not a scammer!"

There was a long pause.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Ren screamed. He slammed the phone down, and in his fury, kicked over the table, shattering the bottles of milk which were perfectly lined up on the table.

Ren scowled at Horohoro. "You messed up my milk," he said, deliberately wrongly accusing the Ainu. "Wipe it up, sweep the glass, and buy me 10 new bottles. With your own money."

"What!?" Horohoro protested. "You messed up your own milk and you know it!"

"Shut up, Ainu-baka."

"You shut up, pointy-head."

Ren scowled. "OH, SO YOU WANNA MESS, EH!?"

"Yeah!" Horohoro roared. "Bring it, man-slut!"

Ren froze. "_What_ did you just call me...?" he hissed in a dangerous voice.

"Man-slut," Horohoro repeated. "Defined as a skanky male whore who wears skimpy clothing. Namely, someone named Tao Ren who likes to wear shirts that show off his stomach and pants that display his thighs and about a fourth of his butt crack."

"OH, NO YOU DIDN'T!" Ren screamed, snapping his fingers in a "Z". "Take that back, you fat pervert! I bet you like my clothes! I bet you stare at my butt crack for 6 hours a day!"

"So what if I do? It's common male instinct to stare at a very sexy butt crack at any chance possible!"

"What?" Ren gasped. "You did _not_ just go there, _girlfriend!_"

"You calling me a girl!?"

"If you heard me right, then yes."

"Oh yeah!?" Horohoro shot back. "Well, at least _I_ don't have _hips like a woman's_!"

Ren looked furious. "I DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"DO NOT!"

"DO SO!"

"BITCH!" Ren screamed.

"SLUT!" Horohoro screamed back.

"BAKA!"

"WHORE!"

"KISAMA!"

"HOOKER!"

Horohoro found himself with his head stuffed in the ground and his limbs snapped and twisted grotesquely after he uttered that word.

Which left Ren very smug indeed. "I win."


	7. Chinese Lesson

One Sunday afternoon, Ren was writing, in beautiful Chinese calligraphy, a letter to Jun, which he planned to mail later that day.

Horohoro looked over his shoulder. "What does it say?" he inquired, since he obviously couldn't read or speak Chinese.

"It says: Dear Jun, I hate Horohoro. Get me out of this hell hole and take me home ASAP," Ren replied. When in truth, it was a sentimental letter full of homesick complaints. How cute.

Horohoro's eyes lit up. "Ren! Teach me Chinese!"

Ren glared. "No way. Someone as stupid as you would never be able to learn it."

"Please? Just teach me one sentence."

Ren sighed. "Fine, Ainu baka."

Horohoro cheered. "Teach me how to say _I am pwn-some_!"

Ren twitched. He then said, slowly and clearly, "_Wou shi ge bai-chi_."

Horohoro repeated after him. "Wou she gah bai-chir."

Ren shook his head. "You've got the accents all wrong, say it again."

"Yosh!" Horohoro agreed. He cleared his throat and tried again. "_Wou shi ge bai-chi_." That time, he said it correctly.

Ren snorted with laughter.

"What!?" Horohoro shrieked. "What's so funny?"

"You're really gullible, Ainu-baka."

"EHHH!?"

(AN: _Wou shi ge bai-chi_ means _I am a retard._)


	8. Nice to Meet You

"OK," Ren said to Horohoro. "We're about to see my parents, so introduce yourself well and don't make me look bad."

Horohoro nodded cheerfully, determined to make a good impression. Ren's parents had been waiting a long time to meet their darling son's "little friends," and now was the time.

Ren said, "I'll go tell them you've arrived. Wait here." He then walked away to inform his parents of the arrival.

Horohoro glanced at Jun, who was nearby. "Hey, Jun? How do you say 'Hi, I'm Horohoro, pleased to meet you' in Chinese?"

Jun grinned. Might as well have fun with this.

"You say it like this," she replied. _"Wou de ming zhi shi Horohoro, wou shi ni er zhi Lian de nan pong you, ta zhai chuang shan hen hao_ _wan." _

_"Wou de ming zhi shi Horohoro, wou shi ni er zhi Lian de nan pong you, ta zhai chuang shan hen hao_ _wan," _Horohoro repeated.

Jun nodded. "That's perfect."

So when the time came, Ren lead Horohoro into the room his parents were waiting in.

"Mom, Dad," Ren announced. "This is my friend, Horohoro."

Horohoro smiled at them and said proudly, _Wou de ming zhi shi Horohoro, wou shi ni er zhi Lian de nan pong you, ta zhai chuang shan hen hao_ _wan."_

Ren's eyes grew wide with fear. Surely, his father was going to kill him.

His mother fainted in horror.

His father threw both Ren and Horohoro into the Tao dungeons.

Jun laughed.

Why?

Because, without knowing it, Horohoro had just said, "My name is Horohoro, I am your son Ren's boyfriend, he's very fun in bed."


	9. Omens

It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside, despite the bitter cold. The ground was covered with a thick blanket of snow, perfectly white, except a single yellow patch where a dog had decided to claim as its own.

Horohoro rubbed his eyes and peered out the window. He let out an loud whoop of delight and leaped out of bed, and in a few seconds, he was dressed. He charged outside, tripping and falling in the snow and getting the white stuff all over himself.

I don't know about you, but if it were me, I'd run right back inside and get warm. However, all Horohoro did was laugh. Hysterically. And very, very, very loudly. Loud enough to wake up some very annoyed neighbors.

"SHUT UP, KID!" screamed a random guy as he stuck his head out the window. Horohoro ignored him and flailed around in the snow, making snow angels and such.

He then had a wonderful idea. Cheerfully, the Ainu scooped some snow into three differently sized balls and happily made a snowman. Giggling, he then formed the snow on the top into a point. A tongari, more precisely. It looked very much like Ren. Smiling broadly, Horohoro approached his creation and patted its head.

"Good morning, Ren!" he said to the snowman, which did not reply.

Horohoro beamed.

"You're looking awfully nice today."

The snowman's head rolled off.

Horohoro gasped in horror. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! REN!!!!!!!"

He scooped the head off the ground and sobbing hysterically, tried to repair it. Everytime he replaced the head, it kept rolling off. So the saddened Ainu took this as a terrible omen. He glanced at the severed snowman head in his hands.

He looked around furtively. No one was watching.

He quickly snuck the snow head a kiss. It did look like Ren, so why not? He looked around again. No one. So he gave it another good kiss, getting some drool on it.

"Ahem."

Horohoro screamed, flinging the head at the person who had suddenly appeared.

There was a loud splat, a startled yelp, and the sound of someone hitting the ground.

Horohoro turned around. His eyes widened. "Oh, snap."

Ren was sprawled motionless on the ground, with his face covered in a messy splat of snow.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! REN!!!!!!!!!!"


	10. Ouchie BooBoo

Ren was rather upset.

Try as he may, he could not make a snowball.

And a split second later, the very thing he was trying to create came smashing into the back of his head.

Ren spun around. "AINU-BAKA!!!!"

"Yes?" Horohoro said innocently, smiling like a little angel.

Ren scowled. "That _hurt_, you know." He squeaked in shock as the cold snow and ice trickled down his neck and into his shirt.

Horohoro grinned. "Are you cold, Ren-chan?"

"NO!" Ren snapped, trying to shake the frigid material out of his clothing. Another snowball smacked into his arm.

"Oh, you're asking for it now, Boroboro." Ren scooped snow up and patted it into a ball, only to have it fall apart. He scowled and tried again, but with no avail.

He whimpered as another snowball made contact with the side of his face.

Horohoro grinned. "Oh, how precious. Poor little Ren-chan can't make a snowball."

Ren flinched. "I can so!"

Horohoro sniggered. He knelt down next to Ren and grabbed his hands.

"HEY! What are you-!?" A steady blush cralwed across the Chinese boy's cheeks as Horohoro gently placed a small lump of snow into his palms.

"Like this, see?" he instructed, guiding Ren's hands with his own to shape the snow. "You can't press so hard, and you can't hold it so tight. The heat from your hands will melt it. You have to be very, very, very gentle..."

After a few moments, Horohoro had helped Ren form a small ball of snow.

"See?" Horohoro said, smiling. "Isn't it nice?"

"I...guess so..." Ren replied, carefully adding more snow to make a larger ball. "But it would be nicer if you could stand up."

"Eh?" The Ainu stood.

Ren smiled smugly. He flung the ball with all his might at the Ainu's stomach.

Unfortunately, his aim was a little off, and it landed a little too low. Right in poor Horohoro's family jewels.

Horohoro's face puckered. He screamed and dropped to his knees, rolling around and screaming, cursing loudly.

"ARGH!!! SWEET HOLY KORORO!!!"

Ren looked horrified. Panicked, he ran to Horohoro's side and shook him violently.

"Hey!" he shrieked. "Ainu-baka! Did I honestly hurt you? Sorry, sorry, sorry! Hey...are you alright? Sorry! I'm really sorry!"

Horohoro groaned. "I think...you...really...damaged...me..." he panted.

"Huh?"

"I can't feel my balls."

Ren twitched. "Good for you."

Horohoro pouted. "I'm in too much pain to move, Ren..."

"Oh, god...I'm sorry, Horohoro, I really am..."

He smiled feebly. "When I was little, whenever I had an ouchie-boo-boo, my mommy would kiss it and make the ouchie go away."

Ren twitched.

"Ren-chan...? Can you please check to see if my yoo-hoos are still there? And if they are...can you kiss them and make the ouchie go away?"

Ren stared at him in disgust.

"IN YOUR DREAMS, AINU-BAKA!"

Horohoro was in a lot more pain when Ren was through with him.


End file.
